Okay so maybe it's a little dramatic to refer to my life as a "Void". While I am not totally lost to the real world, sometimes it really feels that way. You know those movies where someone goes in to the future and they remain completely the same while everyone they know and love have moved on with their lives: married, kids, education and the like, that is how my life feels. After almost 10 years of dealing with my illness/disorder and I have made very little progress in life compared to my friends and the family. Some remember when I was at my sickest and would rather not talk to me anymore or have me in their lives. Others have just moved on. Some are so busy that contacting them a couple times of year is all I can hope for. Making new friends is difficult because although I really want to go out and do things I have to ration out the limited energy I have. Most of the time work just drains me so the rest of the night I am at rest. Since the only places I really go are to doctor visits or work it is really difficult to meet new people.
Accepting this reality is difficult especially when it concerns dating. Once I was asked out by a guy who had 4 kids! I was (and still am) not wanting to date guys with kids, especially not one who has 4 because I honestly don't think I am ready for it. I told a friend about this and he said that I should settle for what I can get because at our age (we are the same age) it will be almost impossible to find someone who is single who DOESN'T have kids. I was somewhat offended by the use of the word "settle". I know that I am not every man's fantasy but it's not like I am a horrible catch. Besides with losing so much time I don't want to settle for anything! I am better than just "settling" for what I can get.
This is the "Void" - a lonely life lived watching life go on without you while desperately trying to join the real world.
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