A silver lining

Almost two weeks into my new eating plan a modified eating plan ala Gillian McKeith's You Are What You Eat (No wheat, meat, dairy, white foods (white rice, sugar or other heavily processed foods)) and I am starting to feel better. I have more energy, which is more like saying I have some energy rather than none. I have no cravings for the foods that I used to crave all the time like cake, cookies or anything with sugar. Infact, my hunger in general has decreased. My pain has decreased slightly overall but there are times during the day when it decreases by two or more points (on a scale of 1 to 10). I don't ache as much in my joints and am enjoying doing what little moving I do during the day. Looking forward to going to the community center and using their pool since they have an arthritis rated pool (above 83 degrees). Other pools tend to be around 69 degrees which just chills my muscles enough for them to tense and the pain becomes unbearable. I am also looking forward to walking around the local marina when the weather is nice. Living in Nevada one never knows when that will be, the weather changes too quickly. Things are looking up!

Welcome to the "Void"

Okay so maybe it's a little dramatic to refer to my life as a "Void". While I am not totally lost to the real world, sometimes it really feels that way. You know those movies where someone goes in to the future and they remain completely the same while everyone they know and love have moved on with their lives: married, kids, education and the like, that is how my life feels. After almost 10 years of dealing with my illness/disorder and I have made very little progress in life compared to my friends and the family. Some remember when I was at my sickest and would rather not talk to me anymore or have me in their lives. Others have just moved on. Some are so busy that contacting them a couple times of year is all I can hope for. Making new friends is difficult because although I really want to go out and do things I have to ration out the limited energy I have. Most of the time work just drains me so the rest of the night I am at rest. Since the only places I really go are to doctor visits or work it is really difficult to meet new people.

Accepting this reality is difficult especially when it concerns dating. Once I was asked out by a guy who had 4 kids! I was (and still am) not wanting to date guys with kids, especially not one who has 4 because I honestly don't think I am ready for it. I told a friend about this and he said that I should settle for what I can get because at our age (we are the same age) it will be almost impossible to find someone who is single who DOESN'T have kids. I was somewhat offended by the use of the word "settle". I know that I am not every man's fantasy but it's not like I am a horrible catch. Besides with losing so much time I don't want to settle for anything! I am better than just "settling" for what I can get.

This is the "Void" - a lonely life lived watching life go on without you while desperately trying to join the real world.

Valentine's Day Slasher-fest

Valentine's day is over (again, Thank God). While I am not against love spending my 15th Valentine's day alone (alone=no romantic love interest) was not something I was looking forward to. This year, like the previous years, I had a Valentine's day slasher-fest watching: Halloween, the Rob Zombie remake which I must say was so much better than the original and, Naima, which is essentially an Indian remake of the Japanese movie, The Eye. I made sure that I didn't leave the house. Just the idea of seeing all the couples turned my stomach, I didn't want to actually see them. I find myself feeling more and more alone. While this is depressing it is actually a step in the right direction. For years, when I was so sick I wasn't working, I would have times when I didn't care to meet or see other people. I just wanted to shut myself off from the world and so I did. Now that I am happy with my work situation and happier in general with my life I feel a yearning to talk to people and a yearning to date again. Unfortunately I have a very difficult time meeting new people and have few friends and those friends are married with children and really don't have time to just talk. It's like I am in a foreign country sometimes. I don't know how to act, what to talk about or how to approach a situation. While I have never been all that great with the meeting guys thing, before I was sick I was good at meeting new people and making friends. Now it's like that has all left me.Meeting men hasn't been happening either. Part of the reason is that the last man I fell in love with just dropped me out of his life. We weren't dating but there was something between us and I fell so hard for him. I also worked so hard to get him to commit to something, anything in regards to his feelings for me. I thought we were at the very least friends. But when I needed someone the most last year when I was in the hospital, he wasn't there. He didn't call and for a month I was in agony over that. I think that hurt more than being fired for seeking medical help. When he finally did call it was to see if I had found a new job. That was it! No "Are U OK?" or "How are U doing?" no caring tone. Then I didn't hear from him for 4 months! No call on my birthday (which I share with a family relative of his so it's not like he forgot), no Happy Thanksgiving, no nothing. Things were weird because we worked together and I think that is why he had such a problem with committing to any feelings for me and now I am not working there and he is still working there. Things are weird. I have vented my anger in private regarding my feelings about what he did or didn't do or what I did because of my feelings for him and the betrayal I felt when things abruptly ended. I never said those things to him. He has no idea how hurt I feel about this. Maybe that is why I can't meet a man, the one man I trusted in over a decade totally betrayed me. Why can't I find a man who wants to be with me and isn't afraid to just say it?