Another year...time for resolution(s)

It's my 32nd Birthday today. There were plans to celebrate this last weekend but due to illness had to be postponed. I am not upset about that, it can't be helped. It just seems sometimes that when I get my hopes up for something good the Universe comes and says "Not now". My pain got bad on Saturday and continued to be bad on Sunday. Then, when taking the trash out and finding the elevator wasn't working, I fell down the stairs face first. Luckily the trash cushioned some of the fall but I am bruised and swollen. It messed with my balance and set off a chain reaction in my body tiggering ALL my painful pressure points until I got back to the apartment and fell asleep. I am sore today but better. I went to work (although I was given the chance to stay home with pay) just so I could be around people and not completely alone on my birthday. I mean, there is my brother but he is at home asleep most of the day and because he is sick, he is trying to rest up.

So as I look back on another passing year I try to make my resolutions for the upcoming year. Better to make them now then in January with everyone else.
1. Be Happy (OK so specifically: have a positive mind set that allows me to be happy the majority of the time and not dwelling on the negative things that happen to me)
2. Find someone (friends as well as a romantic partner. Someone who was meant for me. Someone who treats me the way I deserve to be treated, no exceptions, no excuses)
3. Work on my body (keep up with my doctor visits, medications, working out and good eating habits.)
4. Get back to school!
5. Reconnect with family and friends (I see so little of my loved ones that I need to make that a priority)

I have pray on all of these on a continuous basis but now I need to implement some action. I want this coming year to be memorable (in a good way). I know that things will work out the way they should, God has a plan for me and maybe I'll know what it is and maybe I'll never know what it is but I have faith that He will steer my life in the right direction.

Bon Anniversaire et Moi!

Moving, Death and Lyrica

Almost officially totally moved in to the new apartment, which I absolutely love. It has been a long time coming but despite all the set backs we are getting it done. Setbacks like my grandfather dying and my mother having to go back to Indianapolis. She got to be there to say good-bye and transition him. It was really rough on her to have to pick and go like she did and then go through the planning of the funeral and seeing the family. Now my great uncle Jim is in bad shape (other side of the family) and I fear that we will lose him soon. It wasn't that hard on me to lose my grandfather because he and I were not close and I hadn't seen him in like 20 years. Uncle Jim I know and love and it will be hard to say good-bye.

On a happier note, I went to the doctor and told him I just couldn't live with how bad the pain has gotten. He suggested that I go back on lyrica to pull me out of the flare up and then use it when I am getting a flare up. I know the last time I tried it on the lowest dose I had awesome results so I am hopeful that this time will be the same. Fingers crossed!

Change is good

So, it's official I am now official living on my own, sort of. OK so I signed the lease to a new apartment that I am renting with my bro'. It's a cute little 2 bedroom 2 bath apartment with a balcony that overlooks trees. It is really nice and in a really nice neighborhood. I will officially be living in Reno again (goodbye Sparks, it was nice while it lasted). So why is this so huge. This is my very first apartment as an independent adult. This is the first time in my adult life that I am healthy enough to live on my own. I know that most people hit this milestone much younger but it's just so great that I got to hit it at all.

I spoke to my grandmother on Mother's day and when I told her the news she said she was so happy that I was finally "getting my life back". That is how this feels, like being the 21 year old that finishes college and moves out. It kind of feels like I am 10 years younger but with the added benefit of 10 more years of experience in the world. I take this as a blessing, not the 10 years of suffering with pain but where that suffering has taken me.

I can not wait to be completely moved in and enjoying my independent life.

And the good news keeps coming...

I LOST ANOTHER SIZE!!! I have no idea how much I have lost in lbs but in two weeks I have gone down a size. It is so nice to wear clothes that I haven't worn since High School. It has officially been a month on this new eating regime (NOT DIET, this is a life change) and I feel better, look better and of course, lost inches. I look forward to next week when I go to the doctor's office and see how much I have lost.

Another good news update...I can drive. Okay, so I already could drive, but not the long distance trips I enjoyed so much before I was sick ('98). I went to visit my parents for the Easter holiday and the trip from Reno to Ely barely registered pain wise. I was a little tired but other than that, nothing! Not more than two months ago a two hour car trip would have had me out of commission for at least a day, in so much pain wouldn't be able to move. Now it is like the world has opened up to me. I can plan on trips to Point Reyes and the bay area (never into San Francisco, I am not crazy enough to compete with that stress). I look forward to seeing how much more this change in lifestyle opens up my life. I am so hopeful. :-)

A silver lining

Almost two weeks into my new eating plan a modified eating plan ala Gillian McKeith's You Are What You Eat (No wheat, meat, dairy, white foods (white rice, sugar or other heavily processed foods)) and I am starting to feel better. I have more energy, which is more like saying I have some energy rather than none. I have no cravings for the foods that I used to crave all the time like cake, cookies or anything with sugar. Infact, my hunger in general has decreased. My pain has decreased slightly overall but there are times during the day when it decreases by two or more points (on a scale of 1 to 10). I don't ache as much in my joints and am enjoying doing what little moving I do during the day. Looking forward to going to the community center and using their pool since they have an arthritis rated pool (above 83 degrees). Other pools tend to be around 69 degrees which just chills my muscles enough for them to tense and the pain becomes unbearable. I am also looking forward to walking around the local marina when the weather is nice. Living in Nevada one never knows when that will be, the weather changes too quickly. Things are looking up!

Welcome to the "Void"

Okay so maybe it's a little dramatic to refer to my life as a "Void". While I am not totally lost to the real world, sometimes it really feels that way. You know those movies where someone goes in to the future and they remain completely the same while everyone they know and love have moved on with their lives: married, kids, education and the like, that is how my life feels. After almost 10 years of dealing with my illness/disorder and I have made very little progress in life compared to my friends and the family. Some remember when I was at my sickest and would rather not talk to me anymore or have me in their lives. Others have just moved on. Some are so busy that contacting them a couple times of year is all I can hope for. Making new friends is difficult because although I really want to go out and do things I have to ration out the limited energy I have. Most of the time work just drains me so the rest of the night I am at rest. Since the only places I really go are to doctor visits or work it is really difficult to meet new people.

Accepting this reality is difficult especially when it concerns dating. Once I was asked out by a guy who had 4 kids! I was (and still am) not wanting to date guys with kids, especially not one who has 4 because I honestly don't think I am ready for it. I told a friend about this and he said that I should settle for what I can get because at our age (we are the same age) it will be almost impossible to find someone who is single who DOESN'T have kids. I was somewhat offended by the use of the word "settle". I know that I am not every man's fantasy but it's not like I am a horrible catch. Besides with losing so much time I don't want to settle for anything! I am better than just "settling" for what I can get.

This is the "Void" - a lonely life lived watching life go on without you while desperately trying to join the real world.

Valentine's Day Slasher-fest

Valentine's day is over (again, Thank God). While I am not against love spending my 15th Valentine's day alone (alone=no romantic love interest) was not something I was looking forward to. This year, like the previous years, I had a Valentine's day slasher-fest watching: Halloween, the Rob Zombie remake which I must say was so much better than the original and, Naima, which is essentially an Indian remake of the Japanese movie, The Eye. I made sure that I didn't leave the house. Just the idea of seeing all the couples turned my stomach, I didn't want to actually see them. I find myself feeling more and more alone. While this is depressing it is actually a step in the right direction. For years, when I was so sick I wasn't working, I would have times when I didn't care to meet or see other people. I just wanted to shut myself off from the world and so I did. Now that I am happy with my work situation and happier in general with my life I feel a yearning to talk to people and a yearning to date again. Unfortunately I have a very difficult time meeting new people and have few friends and those friends are married with children and really don't have time to just talk. It's like I am in a foreign country sometimes. I don't know how to act, what to talk about or how to approach a situation. While I have never been all that great with the meeting guys thing, before I was sick I was good at meeting new people and making friends. Now it's like that has all left me.Meeting men hasn't been happening either. Part of the reason is that the last man I fell in love with just dropped me out of his life. We weren't dating but there was something between us and I fell so hard for him. I also worked so hard to get him to commit to something, anything in regards to his feelings for me. I thought we were at the very least friends. But when I needed someone the most last year when I was in the hospital, he wasn't there. He didn't call and for a month I was in agony over that. I think that hurt more than being fired for seeking medical help. When he finally did call it was to see if I had found a new job. That was it! No "Are U OK?" or "How are U doing?" no caring tone. Then I didn't hear from him for 4 months! No call on my birthday (which I share with a family relative of his so it's not like he forgot), no Happy Thanksgiving, no nothing. Things were weird because we worked together and I think that is why he had such a problem with committing to any feelings for me and now I am not working there and he is still working there. Things are weird. I have vented my anger in private regarding my feelings about what he did or didn't do or what I did because of my feelings for him and the betrayal I felt when things abruptly ended. I never said those things to him. He has no idea how hurt I feel about this. Maybe that is why I can't meet a man, the one man I trusted in over a decade totally betrayed me. Why can't I find a man who wants to be with me and isn't afraid to just say it?